Living La Vida Locust - 2/03/10
As I prepare to survive well past the deadline created by the Mayan Calendar (December 21, 2012) I continue to spend hours tracking down information and trying to regurgitate it so that you, my dear friend, will also have the edge when we all are pushed off the ledge.
My advice today: Locusts.
Believe it or not: locusts are high in various nutritional needs an adult should have on a daily basis like thiamin, riboflavin, and niacin plus locusts contains essential fatty acids, and are low in carbs. In other words: not a bad food.
In my new book, The 2012 Guide Book, I devote some time to the idea of eating bugs. What I neglected to do was mention you should also hope for a plague. Now, I know that may seem self-defeating when already facing certain demise but trust me: a good plague of locusts is the survivalist equivalent of running through Sam's with a bug net and a recipe book.
Unfortunately, the Bible has really given plagues a bad name. But in reality locust plagues are the gift that keeps on giving! Not only can a good plague wipe out all the lazy human baggage that didn't plan their survival wisely but it delivers a sucker-punch of digestive joy. Of course, if you're Egyptian I can understand why you might be a little wary about this. After all, according to the Bible locusts were the Eighth Plague upon Egypt delivered by God after the Pharaoh refused to free the Jewish slaves.
Moses said, "Let my people go" and the Pharaoh said, "Stop bugging me."
Wrong answer. Cue the locusts.
God rained down a massive infestation of magnificent proportion while at the same time creating the worst public relations an insect has ever gotten. Yet, most people do not know the Eighth Plague was originally going to be...baloney. Yes, God had a crapload of baloney in heavenly storage, which he acquired from a nice Jewish delicatessen in Tel Aviv.
And the fact is the Lord was planning to rain baloney down on the Pharaoh until he got a call from an archangel who was planning the reception for his kid who was having a Bar Mitzvah. So, God gifted the archangel the baloney.
Talk about timing.
Just then, Moses needed another plague to convince the Pharaoh. So, God substituted locusts at the last minute. Had it worked out the other way, Our BLTs would be bacon, locust, and tomato sandwiches and the Good Book would have a story about how sliced baloney once fell from the skies and obscured the pyramids.
The lesson here is: if you want to survive the destruction of the world in 2012, don't let your biases get in the way of your taste buds. As a survivor remember: where we are going there will be no Value Meal menu.
- Corey Deitz