2012 Food Alert #1: What You Need to Know About Canning - 1/20/10
In 2009, the only thing being canned were people - from jobs. The recession has been a real wake-up call for many folks. If you were lucky enough to keep your job and your home, then the next thing on your list was making sure you and your family had enough food.
The first thing I did was move away from Kirstie Alley. Overnight, I doubled the potential food available to me.
Of course, not all of us can move away from Kirstie Alley. So, if you can't do that then here are a few tips on putting together an emergency plan for food resources.
Food: The "F" Word
First of all: stop calling what you eat "food". "Food" is the new "F" word and you should never utter it. If you say "food" while in a survival situation you will only invite trouble from hungry and desperate emaciated people who will stop at nothing to acquire whatever "food" you have.
Instead, call your "food" something most people have an aversion to...like "work". Nobody wants to talk about "work" and if you start yammering about "work" they'll just tune you out.
"Hey honey - I'll be back in an hour. I'm going to get some work."
Yeah, whatever. You just dropped off everyone's radar faster than a smart bomb heading for room 18 at the Taliban Inn.
Now, about all this "work" you're going to need for nutrition - where exactly do you think you're going to get it when the world is on the brink of destruction in 2012 and you're heading into your underground bunker?
Yes You Can!
If you're smart, you'll learn about canning your own food. The first thing you need to know is this: cans are not used in canning. Jars are used in canning. Yes, this is a trick to throw off the real stupid people. As I often point out in my book, The 2012 Guide Book, this is why the others are weak and deserve to be left behind.
My concern is with you, the survivor. Now, please don't fret over the seemingly dissociative relationship between using "jars" to "can" provisions. After all, moments ago I asked you to substitute the word "work" for "food". In the brave new world of tomorrow, you'll have to learn a lot of doublespeak. The good news is if you excel at it, we'll eventually run you for office.
Canning food is a way of preserving it for later use. The food is placed in a jar with a special lid and then all the air is sucked out. Think of it this way: remember that last really uncomfortable party you went to where you couldn't breathe because of all the smokers? Well, that's what happens to your food - without the nicotine. Your food will be choked into submission with an air-tight lid until you're ready for it. How appetizing.
Corey's Top 4 Quick Tips on canning:
- Protect your food. Label your jars to convince people there is nothing in them. For instance: "peach preserves should read "Jobs Created by Obama"
- The Ball Company makes Mason brand canning jars. That's why some people say it takes a lot of Balls to can.
- Pectin is important if you're going to create jelly and jams. But, beware: people are justified in shooting you if you use pectin while wearing Dr. Scholl's insoles and tell them you're gellin'.
- Avoid attempting to can anything that originally came out of another can. That's like inbreeding with your sister only on some sort of incestual food level.
In summation, remember: in hard times, the government can print more money.
That's called inflation.
In harder times, you are capable of canning more pickled peppers.
That's called indigestion.
- Corey Deitz